My life was forever changed on Saturday September 17, 2005. Unlike most stories that begin with the previous sentence, this life-changing event wasn't actually an event. It was a decision.
I was sitting on the back porch with my best friend, smoking cigars, looking into the deep woods that border his back yard. We sat there in silence...a moment that typically doesn't last long when I am around. However this time I wasn't thinking of what to say next. Rather, I was filled with this strange calm. Something was causing me to be still (for once). I suddenly and uncontrollably began reflecting on several things that happened in the past few years, near the end of my college career. An end that wasn't going to involve graduation...a fact I knew but hadn't told anyone yet.
Without thinking, I suddenly blurted out "I'm moving home." My friend looked at me wide-eyed and uttered in a slow, surprised and sarcastic fashion, "alllright". I am an impulsive person, but this decision was about to take the cake.
Let's flash back. I took a part-time summer job in sales back in June 2004 and achieved a level of success that to be completely honest, I was used to. I had been successful in nearly every job I ever had, but most were much more simple jobs with little long-term aspirations, such as a sports camp counselor, bus boy, retail clerk, and babysitter. This job was different. The sales I made was helping to improve the departmental results for a $5o million dollar annual revenue business. Those at the very top of the corporate ladder were noticing me. Through a series of promotions of those employees above me, I was offered a full-time position right after the 4th of July in 2004. I convinced my parents I could handle both the job and school. Within 3 weeks I knew that wasn't a true statement and decided to drop out of college, despite being in my final semester.
Fast forward to a year later. I had been promoted to an even higher level, to a point where I was managing 9 employees of my own. My success continued as our sales grew and several of the employees I managed were being promoted to other departments. I was riding high and at the suggestion of my immediate supervisor, decided to ask the President of the company about my next promotional opportunity.
On September 14, 2005, the President of the company made it clear I was not going to be considered for any future promotion. He told me I would need to prove myself for another year or two before I would be eligible for another promotion. The upper level management felt I wasn't to a level of performance that was needed at the next level. Despite encouraging words from my immediate boss, I apparently was at a peak. I was stunned. For the first time in my career, I called in sick the next 2 days, which were followed by 2 days off. I went home to visit my parents and a couple friends who still lived there. "Home" was about 4 hours away from my college town.
The reflection I had on my friend's back porch that night (4 days after my huge letdown) led me down many roads. I saw myself in a different light. I realized I hadn't been honest with myself in many ways. I thought about the tremendous debt I had racked up due to the fact I was spending money I didn't have on electronics, beer and eating out. I thought about the several failed attempts to begin relationships with girls due primarily to the fact that I was too afraid to commit to anything. I thought about the dwindling relationship I had with my parents due to several lies I told to mask my educational and financial problems. However, I didn't realize I was going to actually make a change until I blurted those words out to my friend.
"I'm moving home."
I didn't expect to make such a rash decision but figured my subconscious was telling me something. I'm a logical person and didn't believe in gut reactions or intuition. Yet on that evening, rather than fight the urge, I just blurted those words out. I told my friend that I needed to leave and talk with my parents. Moving home isn't as simple as it sounds when your relationship with your parents is strained to the point where your biggest concern is whether they would even be willing to let you live with them for a short time while you searched for an apartment.
I'm going to end the flashback here to preserve the rest of the backstory for future posts.
In retrospect, I can acknowledge that I was receiving a message from God. I didn't know it at the time nor was I praying or asking for guidance or help. This also became the moment in my life when I unknowingly "stepped up to the plate." Without knowing it, I had accepted a message from a Higher Power. He knew I needed to move home.
That moment was the beginning of my first journey: the journey to accept God into my heart. Over the next three and a half years, I managed to reach my destination, only to be faced with taking a 2nd journey...a much shorter journey that only took 72 hours over the course of a weekend in late April. A journey that would lead me to accepting Jesus Christ as my Lord and Savior, and acknowledging that He is the Son of God.
I will detail highlights and lowlights of the first two journeys. However, this blog is being written to document the next journey. The "now what?" journey. I will spend the next week or two talking about what has led me to this point. Once I feel I have adequately explained my backstory, I will post musings and thoughts, rants and raves, questions, and hopefully even answers here and there.
Most of all, I am writing this to help me keep the Faith. I'd love to say I am going to share this with all my family (both relatives and church) and friends, but I am not. Things are going to be kept anonymous. I am not comfortable enough with my beliefs yet to share them with my world. I spend way too much time worrying about what others think and say about me as a person. I pray that through the course of my journey I can let go of those who judge me for the changes I am making in my life.
Finally, I must confess one more thing. I am doing this in blog form (as opposed to simply keeping a private journal) in hopes that I can reach that one person who is making the same journey I am, or is even a little weaker in their Faith than I am. I selfishly wish that I could guide just that one person. I am in a position where I am willing to be led, but I am a natural leader and have realized through the course of my life that I learn as much from leading as I do from following.
I look forward to continuing to tell my story.
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